switchblade Annie (hidethesmoke) wrote,
switchblade Annie

"You can't go home again"

"He saw now that you can't go home again--not ever.  There was no road back.  Ended for him, with the sharp and clean finality of the closing of a door, was the time of his dark roots, like those of a pot-bound plant, could not be left to feed upon their own substance and nourish their own little self-absorbed designs.  Henceforth, they must be spread outward--away from the hidden, secret, and unfathomed past that holds man's spirit prisoner--outward, outward toward the rich and life-giving soil of a new freedom in the wide world of all humanity.  And there came to him a vision of man's true home, beyond the ominous and cloud-engulfed horizon of the here and now, in the green and hopeful and still-virgin meadows of the future." 

Thank you Thomas Wolf for truer words have never been spoken.

That's a hard soliloquy to follow, but, i guess i'll try....

Funny thing.. I stumbled across this LJ account today for the first time in several years. I must say I was a little stunned - not just at the maturity level (or there lack of, ha,) with which i wrote - but at the content of my journal  itself ... I've forgotten so much of my life, so many things that seemed to be pinnicle reason for my very existance at that time; things i probably swore would define me as a person for years to come ---- perhaps they did , in a way ... maybe they helped to add that cynical twinge to my sarcastic humor i'm such a pro at hiding behind, or maybe the past is a whisper of incite into the sadness in my smile  ... although i'm sure it wasn't all bad, i had some laughs back then too .. but i sure have grown up a lot since i last sat and stared at this blinking cursor on a webpage that allows me to divulge the innermost personal thoughts and reflections into the world of hyperlinks and dotcoms.

as much as I've changed, and forgotten about the day to day livelihoods of that time in my life, reading about some of the pain and anguish of old breakups, the confusion and raw emotion of teenage angst, the pre-diagnosed years of being bi polar really shook me to the core. It reminded me that I wasn't always the stable, sure footed person that I am today (not that i'm always one with my shit together, obviously,) but, it's okay to pat myself on the back sometimes,,, i'm not always the lost girl i once was.

It also reminded me of the last time i was really truly soul quakingly in love with someone. This scares me because since that relationship with Z. i've had people come and go in my life, one whom I bought a house with, was common-law with for a couple of years, and was complacently resigned to spending the rest of my life with. This is not to say I didn't love that person in my own rights - but it's scary as hell to look back over the past few years in spectral hindsite and realized I almost settled for something, (someone) i didn't really want to be with.

wow. i feel blessed to have shared time with someone on this earthly realm of existance who brought out the most immense feelings of love I have ever experienced, but also shocked to see a. how many years have gone by since i've ever felt that again, b. worried, WILL that ever happen again? and c. truthfully? Slightly unnerved to see what losing that person did to me. (PS i will never let someone unravel my sanity or question my self worth like that again. ever.)

It really puts things into perspective. Never again will i settle. I want nothing less then everything.

So. big changes... In the last year I moved to Fort Liard, Northwest Territories .. yet another fortification of the fact i've seriously done a lot of growing up since the last time i wrote in my LJ... back then i was bouncing from job to job, house to house, relationship to relationship... totally lack of stability.  I'm settled now, I have a beautiful 2 bedroom duplex on a small native reserve out here, I'm working as a full-time employee of the Gov. of NWT Social Worker, it's amazing really .... I've seen things that I never even thought about before... I've seen 20 hours of sunlight, I've stood under the northern lights as they slice through the sky in vibrant shades of emerald greens, golden yellows, and magnificent shades of mauve. I've experienced roadtrips through mountains who's very existance borders on being archaic, i've danced to drum beats during pow wows at pot latches, i've become a part of something so much larger then I can comprehend, a rich culture and herritage that predates so many settlements, boasting it's early beginnings some 9000 years ago ... I've shared in storytelling with elders, worn handmade authentic mukluk boots comprisd of rabbits fur and moosehide, and most importantly?  I've been as accepted into this community as much as any white person could ever ask to be...

I've shared my tears, my laughter my secret triumphs and epic failures with the North. It has not been an easy year, learning to live out here is .. well .. it's different. Its still within Canada, but yet I feel like it's another world. When i go home to visit Ontario I continue to feel the effects of immense culture shock. I feel the stink of Niagara settle onto my skin like a thick black body bag ... If it wasn't for my family and my dearest friends I would replant my roots here permenantly and never look back. Another very important accomplishment I've made over this past year is, I've learned to be okay with being on my own. For the first time in 27 years I'm alright with being alone in my head, with my own thoughts. Out here solitutde is a sactioned way of life. I have friends out here, and my job keeps me busy too - but there really is no escapting the desolate feeling that can come from looking out your windown and knowing you're smack dab in the middle of the artctic tundra with nothing for many miles, and many hours around you...

Perhaps Thomas Wolfe was right when he said you can't go home... people change, places change, I have changed... but perhaps, for me at least, the concept of 'home' should be regarded as a ubiquitous existance ... like a travelling gypsy home will be in my heart, where ever i am, as long as i am there.
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