switchblade Annie (hidethesmoke) wrote,
switchblade Annie
hidethesmoke

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one step forward... then step on my face.

*

the following LJ entry was written earlier today .. i was having a severe emo moment. i've since calmed down drastically, and decided...

whats done is done . im simply aggrivated because i dont GET it . i really dont ... i cant comprehend the remedial mental capacity that this individual is weakly transmitting.

really ... hes a sponge . a slug . i will not allow such a person to rape me of mental stability , or leave me faded and jaded . let HIM be the one who stays up at night wrestling the guilt ridden torrents that hit him hard when he realized what he did. when he finally comes to terms with how much he hurt someone that loved and cared for him and genuinely wanted nothing in return.

and u know what ? thats alright ... because i'll be alright. im going to take this moment to break into the post entry with a brief interlude of keith urban

many of you aren't country fans, fine , i dont blame u.. but allow me to say, that this particular song has allowed me to breeze through this heart wrenching breakup with the knowledge that its true ... i WILL be ok..

I woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to whether
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
So

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to whether
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to whether
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we got nothing left to whether
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah

And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday

and now.

on with the show.

it's rather amazing how quickly i cycle through my emotions.. the whole 7 stages shit.. im super speed going thru it.. its kinda neat. i chalk that up to my dear friends and relations who have helped me thru the last few hellish days .. i owe them my very existance , let alone the rare shards of sanity that peek thru once in a while :) the rare dose of rational if u will...

its hard.

i thought i was doing really well.. perhaps too well for that matter . it only made sense that eventually i was going to crash and burn on this one right?

i mean its definitly not easy to deal with someone your completely in love with cheating on you, no matter WHAT the circumstances, but that, like i said ... really isnt the stem root of the problem, at all really.

to be honest, any morrose, and sadness i have ,,, have nothing to do with that little Jib-Whore renee ... they just have to do with the fact that im watching the tear in our relationship rip thru shit faster then a run in cheep pantyhose.

it only hurts because it forces me to come to terms with things that i didnt want to acknowledge, infact i'd say it was safe to say i was so blinded, i didnt even REALIZE anything was wrong.

it burns me because i did so much for him and genuinely looked for NOTHING in return other then requited love and positivity. why it was so hard to dispense that i dont understand, mostly because thats just somethign thats been ingrained in my personality since day one.

i think it hit me the hardest today when i was venting to my buddy on msn about it and he just said "he doesnt love you" it was so simple. like pulling a bandaid off. sure it hurts and for a split second your heart stops but its over. quick and painless.
lol
ok
so not so much painless. but i mean it hit me... he was right.. why am i sitting here moping and sniffling over someone that doesnt even love me.

yesterday was the hardest ever... the talk was hard enough.. the fact he sat there and didnt say a goddamn word, but mumbled somethign here and there, and then bailed after a bit to go home and sleep

yah. theres dedication to working shit out eh ? i mean, its a wishful thought, that we could patch shit up.
but im going to be selfish for a second. there isnt anything that *I* need to work on patching up. he admitted it himself... hes been selfish, greedy, and self absorbed. and that aside, *HE* cant bring himself to let me in.

ok

thanks for the email stating the exact POLAR opposite of that fact when u moved to paisley. thanks for letting me know that i was on the IN now, that the walls were down, and not many people get to be where i am.

im glad the sincerity just OOZED out of those big gaping wounds there eh ? thats fantastic, its not bad enough you cant actually bring yourself to let me in after 6 months of being treated like a king, doted on, given affection, random little acts to show u how much i cared, all the little things i did for him ... but that just wasnt reason enough to say HAY, if there was ever a person to TRY to really break me out of this relationship funk i always get into, maybe this is her.

no... instead i 'll lie, make out the whole pretense of our relationship to be something its not, make you feel like a fool for thinking it was, i'll let you pat yourself on the back for making such leaps and bounds in the emotional stability department, think you've come STRIDES away from the manipulative assholes you usually date.., HELL i'll toss some cheating into the mixer just for shits and giggles,

and then ...

when i get confronted about EVERYTHING ... i'll just say hey... i told you i fuck everything up ...

and then i'll recant everything i ever said to you in person through countless spineless journal entries, that testify the truth that i could never bring myself to tell YOU... the one person who selflessly loved me for me, despite my obvious afflictions.

good call champ.

enjoy living life always wondering about the girl that got away.. because one day soon im gonna get up the strength to leave. and i wont look back.
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