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switchblade Annie

[ website | colour me vain ]
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[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

are you wary?

"You can't go home again" [21 Dec 2009|09:20pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

"He saw now that you can't go home again--not ever.  There was no road back.  Ended for him, with the sharp and clean finality of the closing of a door, was the time of his dark roots, like those of a pot-bound plant, could not be left to feed upon their own substance and nourish their own little self-absorbed designs.  Henceforth, they must be spread outward--away from the hidden, secret, and unfathomed past that holds man's spirit prisoner--outward, outward toward the rich and life-giving soil of a new freedom in the wide world of all humanity.  And there came to him a vision of man's true home, beyond the ominous and cloud-engulfed horizon of the here and now, in the green and hopeful and still-virgin meadows of the future." 

Thank you Thomas Wolf for truer words have never been spoken.

That's a hard soliloquy to follow, but, i guess i'll try....

Funny thing.. I stumbled across this LJ account today for the first time in several years. I must say I was a little stunned - not just at the maturity level (or there lack of, ha,) with which i wrote - but at the content of my journal  itself ... I've forgotten so much of my life, so many things that seemed to be pinnicle reason for my very existance at that time; things i probably swore would define me as a person for years to come ---- perhaps they did , in a way ... maybe they helped to add that cynical twinge to my sarcastic humor i'm such a pro at hiding behind, or maybe the past is a whisper of incite into the sadness in my smile  ... although i'm sure it wasn't all bad, i had some laughs back then too .. but i sure have grown up a lot since i last sat and stared at this blinking cursor on a webpage that allows me to divulge the innermost personal thoughts and reflections into the world of hyperlinks and dotcoms.

as much as I've changed, and forgotten about the day to day livelihoods of that time in my life, reading about some of the pain and anguish of old breakups, the confusion and raw emotion of teenage angst, the pre-diagnosed years of being bi polar really shook me to the core. It reminded me that I wasn't always the stable, sure footed person that I am today (not that i'm always one with my shit together, obviously,) but, it's okay to pat myself on the back sometimes,,, i'm not always the lost girl i once was.

It also reminded me of the last time i was really truly soul quakingly in love with someone. This scares me because since that relationship with Z. i've had people come and go in my life, one whom I bought a house with, was common-law with for a couple of years, and was complacently resigned to spending the rest of my life with. This is not to say I didn't love that person in my own rights - but it's scary as hell to look back over the past few years in spectral hindsite and realized I almost settled for something, (someone) i didn't really want to be with.

wow. i feel blessed to have shared time with someone on this earthly realm of existance who brought out the most immense feelings of love I have ever experienced, but also shocked to see a. how many years have gone by since i've ever felt that again, b. worried, WILL that ever happen again? and c. truthfully? Slightly unnerved to see what losing that person did to me. (PS i will never let someone unravel my sanity or question my self worth like that again. ever.)

It really puts things into perspective. Never again will i settle. I want nothing less then everything.

So. big changes... In the last year I moved to Fort Liard, Northwest Territories .. yet another fortification of the fact i've seriously done a lot of growing up since the last time i wrote in my LJ... back then i was bouncing from job to job, house to house, relationship to relationship... totally lack of stability.  I'm settled now, I have a beautiful 2 bedroom duplex on a small native reserve out here, I'm working as a full-time employee of the Gov. of NWT Social Worker, it's amazing really .... I've seen things that I never even thought about before... I've seen 20 hours of sunlight, I've stood under the northern lights as they slice through the sky in vibrant shades of emerald greens, golden yellows, and magnificent shades of mauve. I've experienced roadtrips through mountains who's very existance borders on being archaic, i've danced to drum beats during pow wows at pot latches, i've become a part of something so much larger then I can comprehend, a rich culture and herritage that predates so many settlements, boasting it's early beginnings some 9000 years ago ... I've shared in storytelling with elders, worn handmade authentic mukluk boots comprisd of rabbits fur and moosehide, and most importantly?  I've been as accepted into this community as much as any white person could ever ask to be...

I've shared my tears, my laughter my secret triumphs and epic failures with the North. It has not been an easy year, learning to live out here is .. well .. it's different. Its still within Canada, but yet I feel like it's another world. When i go home to visit Ontario I continue to feel the effects of immense culture shock. I feel the stink of Niagara settle onto my skin like a thick black body bag ... If it wasn't for my family and my dearest friends I would replant my roots here permenantly and never look back. Another very important accomplishment I've made over this past year is, I've learned to be okay with being on my own. For the first time in 27 years I'm alright with being alone in my head, with my own thoughts. Out here solitutde is a sactioned way of life. I have friends out here, and my job keeps me busy too - but there really is no escapting the desolate feeling that can come from looking out your windown and knowing you're smack dab in the middle of the artctic tundra with nothing for many miles, and many hours around you...

Perhaps Thomas Wolfe was right when he said you can't go home... people change, places change, I have changed... but perhaps, for me at least, the concept of 'home' should be regarded as a ubiquitous existance ... like a travelling gypsy home will be in my heart, where ever i am, as long as i am there.

2 ventured someplace scary...are you wary?

writer without a cause.. [04 Apr 2005|02:31am]
[ mood | blah ]

they say if you just start writing eventually it becomes like an unconscious stream that flows out of you. i guess my thoughts are stopped up somewhere between the creek and a damn.
did that make sense?
probably not.

i gotta be up in a few hours . my landlord's comin over to fix the stove. well the oven if you want to get technical about it ... its funny, i really dont cook, at all, and im not even really that dependant on the oven - but as luck would have it. directly before mass meltdown of said appliance, i went out groccery shopping and focused almost all my attention on defrostable food. heh. u *CAN* make this shit in the microwave i suppose, but it never defrosts right, its always still frozen in the middle, its just not ever as good .. so i've been up the creek without a paddle. i should've just called the landlord 2 weeks ago when this first started, but im a lazy sonofabitch .. i just ate takeout pretty much everyday instead. oh yeah, like thats gonna help my case eh? eh.

i've roped myself into a 9am friendly coffee and chat with the landlord and his brother while they're over trying to figure out whats wrong with the goddamn thing. great. what do i do, do i sit here and make small talk? do i retire back to my room and stare longingly at the bed? stay up and watch HORRIBLE morning talk t.v.? oh the choices.

again with the i should be sleeping .. its one of those nights. like when u know you've got 5 bucks to your name, and you just go out and spend it on crap anyway? even tho you KNOW you really needed gas to get home? ever do that sorta shit? no? well then yr not bi polar. lucky fucking you.

hung out with dana and meegz the other day... that was awesome. i miss the shit outta dana. that girl makes me laugh. i was a bit worried at first, she seemed kinda dispondent, but i suppose if u add up the extrenuating (again with the is that a word?) circumstances surrounding our social gathering, i suppoe it makes sense.

i cant believe joes dead. i say that everytime someone i know dies. " i cant believe spencers dead. "
"wow. i cant believe jeff is dead." "omg what? i cant believe it. jodys dead?" "what! i cant believe it.. stef is dead?" "joe? are u sure? joes dead ? i cant believe it."

fuck man. you'd think my social circle would have a longer life expectency then a buncha has-beens in the gerriactric ward. apparently not. did i cross the line on that one? i hope so. thats what i was going for.

yeah this typing without a cause thing isnt so bad... i could go on for a while and kill a few minutes bitching and griping.. without a doubt. im good at that. or maybe i could try to re-iterate some insiteful knowledge er some crap.
but why bother. my back hurts. im gonna go lay in bed and cuddle up with my kitties. their better company then this decrepid excuse of a fucking cpu.


i'll leave u all with this quote i found on a bizarre website. its dark. i enjoy it.

The darkness is death - we can speak, but we are not heard. We can scream but they turn their backs. We can run, but we cannot catch them. It is the dream where arms and legs won't work they way they should, and the air is too thick to breathe. Loved ones walk a mile ahead, forgetting to stop as we fall behind. This is the reality of the darkness. We are buried alive inside ourselves

are you wary?

shes alive and kickin [02 Apr 2005|11:37pm]
[ mood | drunk ]

sorta. :)

i forgot about LJ.. good ole LJ .. switched over to myspace for the most part. more recent "blogs" as i've taken to calling them can be found at www.myspace.com/jezzahell
and the such
and the such
and the such . . .


PS sorry about the absolute lack of any signs of creativity as a huge welcome back to LJ entry rant but meh. new meds. tired. sleep now.
write more later.

2 ventured someplace scary...are you wary?

happily corrected [19 Nov 2004|01:51pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

well i believe my last entry was something to do with me being worried about work and school

its a fine line, granted, but i got A+'s on ALL My midterms man. fuckin 93 in pysch, 88 in counselling, and 92 in my other counselling, BOO FUCKING YAHH man

im gonna go out, smoke a joint with dobbin, get some BK and take a nap before work

i motherfuckin earned it


2 ventured someplace scary...are you wary?

[17 Nov 2004|01:54am]
[ mood | distressed ]

jesus christ
as per usual its been a while since my last entry.

where to start with whats new. uhm. i live in welland now. heh. ahyahuh. its a great farm house. very cosy, has a real chilled atmosphere to it. party lanterns and pink flamingos everywhere ... lots of smelly candles, and nick nacks galore.
im happy. my cats seem happy... its all good with that aspect

as for work, well, im working a lot. way too much to be honest,its hard b/c i think my school work is suffering. im kind of down on myself for this b/c it really shouldnt be. its not THAT difficult to juggle full time work and school i jsut need to learn how to properly apply myself... its not too late to change tho, uknow, pull up the slacks a bit.. i just gotta really concentrate. theres not much time until winter break happens and if i can just coast thru until that and maintain my A average im laughin .. come second semester i'll slow down with work for a bit, just until school's out.


im goign to hitup the tim hortons. its 2am, i jsut smoked a huge garr with Bong (Shaner) and im ripped and craving a hotchocolate
u kids take care

i'll try to do a more meaningful update soon
seriously. heh

5 ventured someplace scary...are you wary?

whatsup fuckers ! [24 Sep 2004|03:48pm]
[ mood | amused ]

thats right im back

i had this kewl myspace thing i was checkin out .. ha. i feel so fuckign infidelious about it (yeah thats right. i just added a suffix of my own choosing onto a word that i deemed better then an already existing one that actually correlates to the english language there. )


anyway. but im back on the livejournal shit cuz im like. i dunno. dating someone that has a spot on my myspace account


thats a whole nother subject tho... we'll verse that one later .... but i mean dont get me wrong. hes alright. i mean hes not annoyign er anything, hes just a platonic buddy im trying to turn into something more and i cant. theres nothing there. nothing at all man..

that and im really looking forward to being single and whoring it up a bit. i always was pretty good at that


yeah. one more thing that really creeped me out at first was yesterday when i went downtown, i saw this ex one nighter that i shared an aquaintenceship with once.. like.. fuckin years ago. anwyay. i've been pretty blatently (and by that i mean going to the extent of going ohgod there he is, and crossing over to the other side of the street) ignoring. but yesterday that was it
the moment of truth

where u know that you've been spotted, reeled in, and its time to face the fucking music. theres no more avoiding this..

well ok. as if this isnt bad enough. (and im leading up to the creepy part... this is just a pre vent.) anyway. apparently hes just rather hungup on this, i cant say i blame him. im great in the sack. i know this, its just how it goes. haha anyway... he apparently has no qualms bout blatently talking about that "one night" fuckin years ago infront of the present company,
putting me on the spot. like YES OK . guess what. get the FUCK OVER IT. clearly, uve got a LOT of nerve openly hitting on me and inviting a followup session after being AVOIDED FOR YEARS NOW

anyway. the quote that killed me was something to the extent of "now that everythings water under the bridge ... blabla it was GREAT sex. ALL NIGHT .. we should do it again!"
or something
first off
the reason it was all night was b/c i was hammared and still unsatisfied after like 3 gos at it.
get over it.


THE NERVE> clearly im not making eye contact with you, im embarrassed, im openly checking out hot asses and doing my best to NOT include you int he conversation

but no

nono.. you have to be undaunting about it

the creepy part

i find out the fucker reads my LJ sometimes... like WOW ok uknow what? fine. human nature. curiosity. great. but thats NOT the kind of thing i want to know ... i'd MUCH rather be in blissful ignorance of it, NOT to mention u sure do seem like a silent stalker just purusing thru it, never commenting, never letting me know your reading it

and i mean thats the whole POINT of LJ.
when its osmeone u've gone out of your way to avoid for so long who is practically just CASUALLY tossing out this info that he reads up on you ?
no fucking tact

ahha hows THAT for a welcome back rant??

"sure is lonely out here in radioland"

are you wary?

[22 Aug 2004|07:07pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

fuck its been a long time since the last update .. its funny, i always stop and think of the best enteries to write when im driving, or if some strange little quirky moment passes me by .

where to begin with the updates?

i went to the CIBC bank the other day, and theres this man that stands outside the bank ... mid 40's, cowboy hat, jeans, long gray hair ... hes pretty good on the guitar, i mean, hes no santanna but he knows his way around .. anyway he stands outside the bank and sings and plays guitar , and when i went by one day he started singing about my smile.. it caught me off guard, and actually made me blush a little. mostly because it seemed so genuine, when i went to give him a dollar and thank him for the recognition, he got all tounge tied and told me he couldn't possibly accept my money... he said that everyday if he was lucky one person did something to stand out in his mind in particular, and that today my smile was what made me that person ...

it was so trivial, a compliment from a glorified squeegee bum, but u know what? it was one of the sweetest things anyones ever said to me .

everytime i go into the bank now, and i see him, he tips his hat and calls me Smiley and sings a song to me ... its incredible, the bond two people who know absolutly nothing about each other can share ... its such a small sliver of redemption, but its enough to make me think sometimes, maybe its not always so bad... sharing my oxygen and geographical inhabitants with a bunch of halfcrazed lunatics on planet earth.

meh .

i still need a job . and im still really sick of the house drama . but i gotta say .. les is possibly , no. without a doubt, the best roommate i've ever had ... shes incredible, and she puts up with my antics tirelessly ... shes too good to me.

yah... ive been hanging out with "the marvellous one" quite a bit lately too .... i was commenting to him on how, i thought it to be quite hilarious that when we hangout together, we're like a couple of giddy teens again. giggling and laughing at silly jokes, and inside comments.. he makes me really happy, and i told him so, i said that it was fun to hangout with him,,,, and he rebuttled with the fact that he liked me too, and he thought he was fun b/c i brought it out in him ....
that made me so happy !

PS he gave me my first full out female ejaculation last night too . i thought i actually peed on him, i was really stressing that for a few seconds until he kindly explained to me what had jsut happend.
i was relieved, amused, and dehydrated.

15 ventured someplace scary...are you wary?

[23 Jul 2004|01:41am]
im just talking to a friend online and i realized, that the last two postings i made are pretty huge eye openers . i really gotta sort this shit out .

but not today ,... today i dont have to do ANYTHING because its my friggen birthday :)

4 ventured someplace scary...are you wary?

wow [23 Jul 2004|01:37am]
so yeah
justin and lisa are getting divorced . wow .

luckily,, it seems to be on relativly good terms .. more of a seperation ceremony to be celebrated , rather then all the typical stigmas that one would assume go hand in hand with a divorce .. there will be no custody battles, and she doest want 1/2 the shop .. so .. maybe this is for the best. but FUCK did i ever not see this coming.

are you wary?

[22 Jul 2004|02:10am]
so as we speak its 2 am and im bawling myu fuckign eeyes out

im drunk and emotional.
i just had a talk with zach .... all we did is hug each other and cry and he apologized again and again saying "oim so sorry. im so sorry. i let you down. your such a great girl and i let you down .."

and all i kept saying is fuck YOU ! i love you and you hurt me. all i ever did was love you.. again and again
and hej ust kept apologizing
and it hurts so fuckign bad jesus fuckign christ

i hate to say it. i do. but if he told me tomorrow he wanted to be be wtih me again i would go to him. i love him.i *konw* i know. OOH HE CHEATED what a fuckign asshole but uknow what?
fuck you.
i love himn.

it hurts. so FUCKIGN much . i know i shouldnt be talkign this way .i know that hes bad news bears, he doesnt nkow what he wants where hes gonna be in a year, WHO he'll be fucking and that hurts

but not as much as not being able to sleep in his bed. to be out in public with him and have him put his arms around me, to have the right to just walk up and kiss him.

i miss when he laughed all the time and told me how cute i was when i did silly little things, and i miss when i could just walk up and put my hea don his shoulder and he'd automatically put his arms around me ... i miss saying i was his girl . i miss everything

christ. im fuckgik drunk and bawling my eyes out. im so fucking stupid for feeling this way but CHRIST
we stood outside his appartment building for 10 minutes crying and hugging and exchanging apologies. i owe him none but yet i was still saying im sorry too again and again ...

he told me he loved me . i asked him how he could love me if he could do this to me ... he didtn respond he just cried. and i held him . and even tho i was heartwrenchingly weak in the knees sad, and heart broken ... i told him i love him too .

because i do ..

that doesnt mean it'll all be peaches and cream tomorrow .... but i have yet to have the *really good cry* that you are supposed to have after u break up with the ex.
but i had it tonight with him ...

tonight was so fuckign fucekdup .. so much.. SO MUCH SHIT HAPPEND that wasnt supposed to happen. and then we go out, i flirt with random guyts, we go home, and both cry our fuckinfg faces off

this is so stupid ... i want him in my life. but i know already, all my friends and family would say the same thing .. " waht are u retarded? why are u go9ing back to him, he treaated you like shit.." u kknow what? its os much more complicated then that ...

you just dont understand .....

he may not either ... but ... i love him .. and thats perhaps what hurts most of all

-Drunk and Weary : St.Catharines, Ontario -

2 ventured someplace scary...are you wary?

get ready for the long haul [19 Jul 2004|01:53am]
[ mood | high ]

you know when u just start writing and you can tell its going to be one of those super long introspective bloggs?

chances are i should probably copy and paste this one before i try to post it, if i remember, cuz its *always* on these ones that i end up loosing everything i tried to say ..

so i spent the weekend at my parents cottage up north .. it was really good, a really introspective look at my life. at my decesions, and at the things that i let bother me and dont, versus the things that i DONT ..
if that makes sense..

blah. u know waht? i was super all set to write a long intense journal article on what the fuck is going through my head right now but im actually far too wired to do that .i dont have the patience to sit here and type blahblahblah

i think i say that in each one of my entries dont i .. "next time it will be longer.. seriously.."

ok what the fuck , maybe i'll have a smoke and sit here and force myself to write. i mean christ. its 2am, im CLEARLY not tired at all ... and i dont have anythign else to do .

so i took the weekend to myself like i said to get my thoughts in order .. mostly about zach and employment .

***** about 20 minutes have passed ****

yeah guess who didnt even LEAVE her computer .i wrote a huge email to zach.
i've wrote him 3 today now including this one, which was definitly the nicest of the 3 .

i took the time and curtosey to fill him in on why i have been so bitter lately towards him .i mean, how can i really blame him when i pretty much volunteer myself to be walked on ? i said that to him too, i said yes im critical of the way thigns have been going, but MUCH more towards myself then you, seeing as how i LET this happen.

i go through such bouts with that boy . i want a genuine platonic friendship .i figure, if it was no strings attached, if there wasnt that stress to aim and please him, maybe we could keep it real as they say ... uknow.. have a good friendship..
i hope so ..


i need one .

this is fantastic. its 2:20am im listening to HIM and havign heart to hearts with the nighthawks on my MSN list .. fantastic.

you know ... i think i can do this. really be ok ... i read this book (well i read 350 pages of it in a day and a half at the cottage.. i have about 30 something left to go ..)

its by WALLY LAMB and its called "SHES COME UNDONE" i highly recommend reading it .. its a chronical story of a young girl transcending into adulthood, plauged with a continuous weight problem, and mental psychosis .. she was raped at 13, her parents divoced and her dad split and came back once ina while into her life, her mom was crazier the a shithouse rat ,and she becomes obsessed with her college roommates boyfriend Dante ..

ahh. that doenst make it sound good
but it is
maybe i'll go finsih it off.
i ALWAYS do that. get to the very end of the book and just put it down and leave the last few chapters undone .. talk about a hell of a cliffhanger.

ok this is transcending anything that could be considered an epic epifamy or even interesting to write.
so im gonna jet.

peace, love, and all that jazz
hey . its 2:30 am on sunday night . u wanna talk ? gimme a fuckin shout. i'll be up for hours

PS dont listen to bon jovi (misunderstood) when your on the verge of a mental breakdown at all hours of the night by yourself
i highly recommend against it

2 ventured someplace scary...are you wary?

FUCK [15 Jul 2004|02:26pm]

so i heard last night that zach may be hooking up with Jen again .. u know, the textbook case of the ex that broke yr heart and left u in shambles ruined for any further relationships ??? yah THAT ex .

FUCK him .. fuck him for making me think we're still friends, and FUCK HIM for using me this whole time , and FUCK HIM for keeping me in the dark this WHOLE tiem and then even after ,, when it supposedly DOESNT matter anymore .

their whole goddamn family ... just so fucking ungrateful ..

when i went camping i borrowed a pair of his sisters socks .. i brought them home w/me, so i was like awee i'll buy her a new pair to make it up to her -- yeah ... apparently her only response was "well .... where are MY socks .. like wtf."

zach was like well they WERE cute socks .. hard to beat that . YAH ok. glad that gesture was takin with an grain of salt ..

i think les is mad at me too ... i dont know why .. i mean, ihave a feeling its cuz i slept in today instead of went out and looked fer jobs but wtf man. im going to the cottage today, and honestly, yes. i AM broke ... but fuck, im not gonna NOT pay my bills. i always have, i always will. thats just the way this shit goes.

i dunno. maybe shes just stressed. maybe im just hungover. i got pretty drunk yesterday .

i had a good day. saw justin fer a bit, but mostly hung out with bug for the day . it was awesome, i dont do that nearly enough. i tend to just toss them both into the mixer (JUSTINANDBUGG) or i just take tiem with Justin .. which is lovely, but i forgot how much i adore bug and emily time too ... hes a good listener..

anyways. .. im sneaking off to the cottage today .. im gonna be gone from thursday till sunday .fuck it. i just wanna get away for a bit. see my parents, take some time to think ,i'd REALLY like to look into tquitting smoking too.
save some SERIOUS cash

now. if i could just save some serious sanity i'd be set.

FUCK i wanna just punch a hole thru the back of that fucking fucks face.

3 ventured someplace scary...are you wary?

printing a retraction [03 Jul 2004|10:59am]
i hereby denounce all negative schwag said in association with the last LJ post i left.

i was pretty pissed, everyone was stressing me out. honestly, u just ever have one of those days where EVERYONE gets under your skin ?

these are all people i love and care about but it makes me angry that all of them want me to dance on the head of a pin, around THEIR time, at THEIR leisure and convienence, yet, most of them ditch me or cancel plans or are busy when *I* ask just about religously , but, u dont hear me griping and guilting ...


like i was saying .. in retrospect .. no one is perfect, least of all me, and the fac that im bitching because i have good people in my life that are upset because they want to spend more time with me no matter what the stipuations, they're genuinely concerned with seeing me.

thats kinda neat..

even if they DO have the uncanny ability to make u feel like a fucking asshole for standing up for yourself even tho THEY were the one that taught you how to DO that.


are you wary?

oh SO grr , like seriously GRR people [02 Jul 2004|07:43pm]
so seriously
why do all the great guys in my life have to be so fuckign co-dependant.

i mean its all or none with these people ...

i dont get it .they go from having this huge i hate the world and everyone in it front to either hanging off my every word, 5 pittiful phonecalls a day begging me to come over hangout , have supper, see them, i miss you , etc .

or they get mad cuz im gonna be an hour late, and try to act like their NOT throwing a bitch fit when CLEARLY ... they are .. which is a pretty impressive feat to figure out over msn unless someone clearly wanted u to know they were really upset

OR they just dont give a crap.

or even better tehy ACT like they dont give a crap, till u dump them, then they turn into the sweetest human being on the face of the planet, and the worst part is, its truly sincere. b/c u know they dont want u back, they just wanna prove their not a worthless piece of crap that u chalked them up to be after u dump them


are you wary?

[27 Jun 2004|01:25pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Open your arms and let me show you what love can be like
It's all tears and it will be 'til the end of your time
Come closer my love
Will you let me tear your heart apart?
Now all help is gone so drown in this love...

is it ok that i hate renee ?
i cant bring myself to hate zach yet.
im trying. but i dont think thats really an option

thats a partial lie. im not trying to hate zach at all actually . thats just more stress then i want to deal with.

but ive been busy. out of the house a lot . just on the go . kind of trying to keep busy.. i dont know if that counts as avoidance or not but whatever i dont really care.

the most common question everyone wants to know is "are you ok?"
i guess. im not gonna slit my wrists and scream bloody murder while i hurl my flaming car off the bridge ... so... YES i guess i am ok.
but am i happy ?


definitly not . i mean i have my moments, im not sitting here in my dungeon of a bedroom listening to emo and cutting myself.. im out, im having fun, im having a few drinks, a few tokes, partying it up with friends ... its good times .. but i just have that uknow... generic empty confused feeling that your left with when u loose someone u care about

its really more like a death in the family then anything. SO abrupt, and unexpected, and things were going SO WELL .. that... its hard to wrap my mind around the concept that things should be different ... i dont really like change.

i'll be fine tho ... i mean i know i will be . im handling this really well . but i just get mad at how bi polar im being here .. like im so fine for a few hours, genuinely really OK , and then im almost shocked and appalled to find out omg , im NOT ok .. how the hell did that happen?

and it will be little things that set me off . liek when i was at work, and i was like oh my god that customer is so funny i have to call zach and tell him about it.
and then it hits me like a brick wall .. oh ... maybe i SHOULDNT tell zach. maybe i shouldnt call him ... should i call ? CAN i call ?

then i get sent into a spiral of crappy non goodness and stuff.

bitch moan sigh complain ... i know it could be worse. a lot worse. i had 6 fantastic months with a boy i was completely madly totally crazy about .. and then uknow. like anything good. it ended. it always does.
so i'll take the 6 months and be happy with it.

at least i dont have to worry about breakups with friends, or pseudo relationships. maybe thats what i need to stick to from now on .. u'd THINK it'd be a lot trickier, but, these things have a way of just falling into place.

I'm in love with you
And it's crushing my heart
All I want is you
To take me into your arms

When love and death embrace

I love you
And you're crushing my heart
I need you
Please take me into your arms

When love and death embrace
When love and death embrace
When love and death embrace
When love and death embrace

9 ventured someplace scary...are you wary?

one step forward... then step on my face. [25 Jun 2004|02:05am]
[ mood | accomplished ]


the following LJ entry was written earlier today .. i was having a severe emo moment. i've since calmed down drastically, and decided...

whats done is done . im simply aggrivated because i dont GET it . i really dont ... i cant comprehend the remedial mental capacity that this individual is weakly transmitting.

really ... hes a sponge . a slug . i will not allow such a person to rape me of mental stability , or leave me faded and jaded . let HIM be the one who stays up at night wrestling the guilt ridden torrents that hit him hard when he realized what he did. when he finally comes to terms with how much he hurt someone that loved and cared for him and genuinely wanted nothing in return.

and u know what ? thats alright ... because i'll be alright. im going to take this moment to break into the post entry with a brief interlude of keith urban

many of you aren't country fans, fine , i dont blame u.. but allow me to say, that this particular song has allowed me to breeze through this heart wrenching breakup with the knowledge that its true ... i WILL be ok..

I woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to whether
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to whether
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to whether
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we got nothing left to whether
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah

And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday

and now.

on with the show.

it's rather amazing how quickly i cycle through my emotions.. the whole 7 stages shit.. im super speed going thru it.. its kinda neat. i chalk that up to my dear friends and relations who have helped me thru the last few hellish days .. i owe them my very existance , let alone the rare shards of sanity that peek thru once in a while :) the rare dose of rational if u will...

its hard.

i thought i was doing really well.. perhaps too well for that matter . it only made sense that eventually i was going to crash and burn on this one right?

i mean its definitly not easy to deal with someone your completely in love with cheating on you, no matter WHAT the circumstances, but that, like i said ... really isnt the stem root of the problem, at all really.

to be honest, any morrose, and sadness i have ,,, have nothing to do with that little Jib-Whore renee ... they just have to do with the fact that im watching the tear in our relationship rip thru shit faster then a run in cheep pantyhose.

it only hurts because it forces me to come to terms with things that i didnt want to acknowledge, infact i'd say it was safe to say i was so blinded, i didnt even REALIZE anything was wrong.

it burns me because i did so much for him and genuinely looked for NOTHING in return other then requited love and positivity. why it was so hard to dispense that i dont understand, mostly because thats just somethign thats been ingrained in my personality since day one.

i think it hit me the hardest today when i was venting to my buddy on msn about it and he just said "he doesnt love you" it was so simple. like pulling a bandaid off. sure it hurts and for a split second your heart stops but its over. quick and painless.
so not so much painless. but i mean it hit me... he was right.. why am i sitting here moping and sniffling over someone that doesnt even love me.

yesterday was the hardest ever... the talk was hard enough.. the fact he sat there and didnt say a goddamn word, but mumbled somethign here and there, and then bailed after a bit to go home and sleep

yah. theres dedication to working shit out eh ? i mean, its a wishful thought, that we could patch shit up.
but im going to be selfish for a second. there isnt anything that *I* need to work on patching up. he admitted it himself... hes been selfish, greedy, and self absorbed. and that aside, *HE* cant bring himself to let me in.


thanks for the email stating the exact POLAR opposite of that fact when u moved to paisley. thanks for letting me know that i was on the IN now, that the walls were down, and not many people get to be where i am.

im glad the sincerity just OOZED out of those big gaping wounds there eh ? thats fantastic, its not bad enough you cant actually bring yourself to let me in after 6 months of being treated like a king, doted on, given affection, random little acts to show u how much i cared, all the little things i did for him ... but that just wasnt reason enough to say HAY, if there was ever a person to TRY to really break me out of this relationship funk i always get into, maybe this is her.

no... instead i 'll lie, make out the whole pretense of our relationship to be something its not, make you feel like a fool for thinking it was, i'll let you pat yourself on the back for making such leaps and bounds in the emotional stability department, think you've come STRIDES away from the manipulative assholes you usually date.., HELL i'll toss some cheating into the mixer just for shits and giggles,

and then ...

when i get confronted about EVERYTHING ... i'll just say hey... i told you i fuck everything up ...

and then i'll recant everything i ever said to you in person through countless spineless journal entries, that testify the truth that i could never bring myself to tell YOU... the one person who selflessly loved me for me, despite my obvious afflictions.

good call champ.

enjoy living life always wondering about the girl that got away.. because one day soon im gonna get up the strength to leave. and i wont look back.

1 ventured someplace scary...are you wary?

trivial but fun. [16 Jun 2004|05:19pm]
[ mood | amused ]

well for christ sakes

my buddy kirby burned me a copy of Aqua Teen Hunger Force .. for any and all who have not heard or seen this show ... fuckign watch it . find it somewhere, download it off kazaa , borrow it off a friend that has -- just fuckign watch it .

i suggest either the mooninites, or the japanese spore "travis of the cosmos"
fuckign fantastick

also ..

work is good.. i fucking hate the boss, shes bi polar to the extreme .. but hey... what are u gonna do .

this is shorter then i expected b/c a phonecall interrupted my train of thoughts and i have to go pickup the boy now

oh yeah.. hes home for the summer.. yaay ! <3

ok.... see u dolls later

12 ventured someplace scary...are you wary?

[10 Jun 2004|04:48am]
[ mood | geeky ]

4:30 am insanityCollapse )

and there you have it .

a perfectly good girlguide shirt ruined ... defaced by a trollop enscanced in an innocent pink wrapping...


1 ventured someplace scary...are you wary?

so sue me. im having an emo moment [10 Jun 2004|04:41am]
[ mood | peaceful ]

im feeling loved.

i am loved.

its wonderful .

buggy if your reading this, and im sure you will at some point .... your wonderful and i simply adore you <3

2 ventured someplace scary...are you wary?

[05 Jun 2004|01:58am]
well i wont lie im pretty fucking loaded right niow

i wih jimmy was here to partake in the festivities .. (i *wish)

ok im not gonna lie jere foljks ... im clearly too drunk too write
and i dont ahve the follow thru to follow thru oj what im writing

so goodNIGHT

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